I have had my moments, especially lately here in Jerusalem, where I've wished I were still pregnant.In this place where I am finding it hard so far to find my purpose, I think of what it would be like to have my purpose be nursing a pregnancy and preparing for baby's arrival, then caring for a new child.
Maybe it would be harder to have a child in a place so far from family and friends, maybe Israel wouldn't feel any further than Cincinnati will when the time comes.
Hard to know.
There are a lot of pregnant women here, and a lot of children, and a lot of families with more than one child.
I find myself wanting Dahlia to have a sibling, because here in Israel in our 4th week here, I see her more alone than usual.
It's harder for her to make friends, because she'll go up to a kid speaking English, and they won't understand her.
It's hard to separate her loneliness from mine, to know what's my feelings and what's hers.
Four friends just had baby boys, and I had a feeling the other night that this baby would've been a boy.
But in my time travels I've always seen two girls, so maybe it wasn't meant to be.
Still sad though, still missing this little one I knew for such a short time.
I also had the thought that maybe I wasn't meant to be pregnant with colitis, and that is why I am taking medication right now, to clear it up before getting pregnant again.
I wish it were November or December already... so that it would be time, and so that three months here would already have gone by and it would be closer to going home.
A new home at least.
