Definitely pregnant!

WHERE I AM: Almost 10 weeks pregnant.

HOW I FEEL: Crappy! In all other ways I'm fine, but in the nausea department, I'm not having fun. And I am exhausted and very spacy. What Karina called Charlie brain during our first pregnancies is definitely back - yesterday I left the toaster oven on for hours.

Since Tuesday night, I've been nauseous continually, and therefore not craving food in the way I was previously. It's kind of annoying, because I really like to eat and I'm still hungry. But I can't stomach the thought of even my morning eggs! Wednesday I made eggs for me and Dahlia and she ate more than me, and I threw the rest away. And I love eggs... This week I've been eating a lot of bagels and things involving bread and startch. It doesn't really get rid of the nausea, but it sort of settles my stomach a little bit. I'm also a bit dehydrated because flat water isn't fun to drink, and bubbly water's not much better. I'm drinking kombucha in the hope that it will help a little. Homeopathic Nux Vomica helped last night and I kept taking it throughout the night when I woke up. I just bought more at the store today. Sigh...

I was sitting at the park with my friend Serena yesterday, who is 21 weeks pregnant with her second (Dahlia played sweetly with her first, Jemima, while we talked). She said something very appropos: That during her first pregnancy, she worried about everything, and during her queasy months, she worried that Jemima wasn't getting the nourishment she needed to grow and thrive. This time around, she didn't even worry during the weeks she was eating only bread - she knew that a baby does just fine on very little, like all those babies all around the world who are born healthy even though their moms aren't as blessed with the kind of food choices we have. So... this little grape in my belly (which I think will soon be an apricot) must really be craving chocolate chip bagels with butter! We'll see how I do this coming week with Passover - in the past matza's been a bit on the constipating side for my body... but when I had a piece at Dahlia's preschool Passover seder this morning, it sure settled my stomach.

Hopefully I'll get through this period soon, or I'm going to be writing a lot about food and digestion... bear with me, as my sweet husband is doing so well, I'm growing a baby. Thank you, David, for doing so many sinks full of dishes this week when I just couldn't stomach the thought of anything that involved the kitchen.

Tired and Queasy

WHERE I AM: 9 weeks pregnant

HOW I FEEL: Tired and queasy. Dahlia slept in until 8:15 today and I could've kept sleeping. I went to sleep with that queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach and I'm still queasy. It's not as strong as it was during my first pregnancy, and not as constant. But it's there, just started irregularly last week while we were in Mexico. And in Mexico, you never know if queasy means you caught a bug... On one of our flights home, I got really nauseous when the plane encountered some turbulence, and Dahlia asked me, "Mommy, are you feeling sick because the baby is jumping around in your belly?"

I went to Kaiser in Walnut Creek yesterday to have my first prenatal appointment with a clerk who asked me a bunch of questions and gave me a bunch of forms to fill out. I also had my blood and urine taken for the standard prenatal tests. My next appointment in a few weeks will be with a nurse midwife, which I'm sure will still be very different than when I worked with two homebirth midwives in my last pregnancy. But hopefully she won't think I'm weird for not wanting an ultrasound at 12 weeks. I'm not sure I want an ultrasound at all... I saw a movie when I took a midwifery class a few summers ago about how fetal cells change shape permanently when exposed to ultrasound.

Baby is the size of a grape now, and I feel an increase in hormones in my body, causing the queasiness, tiredness, and sensitivity that makes me cry little tears very easily. The hormones also affect my digestion, in the same way that things usually are affected when I'm ovulating. It's all just a trip.

9 Weeks Pregnant and Queasy

Baby is almost the size of a grape this week... and I'm a little queasy today.

8 Weeks Pregnant

Kidney-bean sized little nubbin growing happily inside me...

Raw

WHERE I AM: 7.5 weeks pregnant.

HOW I FEEL: Raw. Emotional. Nerve endings very much on the surface of my skin, picking up everything. Jumpy when my daughter yells or whines to me, which is a lot lately, especially at the end of the day.

Yesterday was one of those days when emotion just caught up with me and I let myself feel overwhelmed and sensitive to all that has been going on around me lately. My brother in law and his wife splitting up, buying our tickets to Israel, the challenge of finding an apartment in Israel, working, my extremely emotional and vulnerable three year old learning how to handle the bundle of feelings that sometimes overwhelms her, getting ready for vacation (funny how even that can be stressful). I am acknowledging with patience the fact that I am pregnant, extra sensitive, and extra tired. The fact that even when I just want to go back into bed and sleep in the middle of the day like I did early in my pregnancy with Dahlia, I can't let myself do that this time.

Last night I slept holding Teddy really tight. Teddy the bear that I've had since I was 6. Teddy who usually sleeps in Dahlia's bed now, but who is still my bear when I need to hold something soft really tight. I think Teddy will be coming with us to Israel.

Dave and I went to see Pan's Labyrinth on our date last night. I'd heard it was extremely violent, and it was pretty violent. But I was prepared and just looked away a lot. It was beautiful to watch in that fantasy kind of way that I love in movies. But I still left feeling extra raw, had a big cry at the end that continued in bed while I held Teddy. I think that is the last movie with any violence in it that I'll see during this pregnancy. It's not that I can't handle it, it's more that I just don't want to take that in right now. More than the violence, it was the part about the mom who had a hard pregnancy and then died in childbirth. The part where the little girl dies. The part when she loves her mother so much and is afraid she's going to lose her, then does. Ever since I became a mom, I just can't see stuff like that without it doing a number on my heart.

In two days we're off to Mexico, and boy do we all need this vacation. I can't wait. The most delightful part about the trip is that I've had to buy nothing for it. No rushing around for that perfect bathing suit - I'm quite happy with the bathing suits and shorts and skirts and dresses I have. All I got was a sun hat and bathing suit for Dahlia, and a super cute pair of sunglasses for her that she'll probably never wear. We even have plenty of sunscreen in our bathroom from earlier vacations and summers. I love traveling to warm places because packing is so easy. And because I just love being warm. I'm looking forward to lots of time with Karina, downloading all that is going on in the same way we do by phone, but face to face while our kids play together in the sand and sea. And I am looking forward to quality time and attention with my husband, with whom we sometimes feel like ships passing in the night as we go through the hussle and bustle of our days. We both work really hard at this grown-up thing. It's going to be good to relax together. And it will be good for Dahlia to have all of us around her for those 10 days.

Seven Weeks and Tired

WHERE I AM: 7 weeks pregnant.

HOW I FEEL: Tired. Achy joints - apparently that's because my kidneys are busy supporting baby. Still hungry. Only get a little queezy when I don't have enough in my belly, but I wouldn't call it morning sickness. It's nothing like what I had when I was pregnant with Dahlia, and I'm thankful for that, because it's allowing me to eat more. I'm definitely putting on weight because my pants are all tight around my lower belly. Time for stretchy pants and leggings... I feel like I could crawl into bed right now and sleep for three hours. That's pretty much how I know I'm pregant: tight pants, sleepiness and constant hunger.

Baby is the size of a raspberry now. I remember reading that the first time I was pregnant and getting a kick out of the idea of a raspberry floating around in my belly. It's amazing how fast they grow - from a lentil to a raspberry in one week! I think next week is the week of the almond, if I remember correctly.

I went to my friend Lenira's baby blessing way yesterday - she is two weeks away from her due date and her belly is huge and gorgeous. Another friend there is 4 months pregnant. I didn't share the news because yesterday was about Lenira. But it was neat to know there's a little one growing inside me, too. I can't really imagine my belly getting as huge as Lenira's, even though I've been through it once before. It just seems very far away right now since I don't really show to anyone who doesn't know.

This Friday we're off to Mexico with Dave's parents and my sister and her boyfriend. My best friend Karina will meet us there with her husband and two kids and her parents and brother. 10 days on the beach in the sunshine with our kids playing together. I can't wait. We're excited to tell Dave's parents - we waited this long because Dave wanted to tell them in person.

I shared the news with my dad last week and he's clearly excited. I asked him to keep it a secret and he let it slip to one friend in Israel. I reminded him very seriously that he needs to keep his mouth shut, while at the same time understanding that he doesn't have a lot of excitement in his life, so I can see why it's hard for him to keep it quiet. I just want to wait another month before it becomes public information, and I also want to be the one to share the news with people he and I know in common, like our friends in Israel whom I'll soon be seeing. Sometimes my dad forgets that just because he's excited about the news doesn't mean it's his news to share. Family negotiations are always interesting...

Head Ache

WHERE I AM: 6.5 weeks pregnant.

HOW I FEEL: I have such a headache. I know it's origin: Insufficient water today, long drives all over, too much time in recycled air indoors, not enough sleep last night. I don't want to take Tylenol and I can't take my Chinese headache herbs because I'm pregnant. So I took some extra iron to give my liver a boost of blood and look forward to hitting the pillow. I'm sure it will be gone tomorrow. Another reminder that my body is no longer just mine.

This little being inside me is so quiet. So timid. I don't remember what Dahlia was like this early on in my first pregnancy, but I do remember her being really active and loud during the later months. I think she was the same kind of quiet this early on, though. This is a quiet time. Baby is so little right now, the size of a peppercorn or a lentil. And yet its body is almost fully formed - a heart already pumping blood, kidneys and a liver, lungs forming, a brain, fingers separating, a head, the beginnings of a mouth and nose and eyes and ears. Isn't that totally amazing, that something so small can be so human, so alive?

Nausea

WHERE I AM: 6.5 weeks pregnant (I've given up on counting the actual weeks since conception).

HOW I FEEL: Nauseous! I just got my first wave of unexplained nausea a few minutes ago. It's not terrible, and I hope it stays that way. But it's kind of a nice reminder that, yes, I actually am pregnant and the hormones in my body are kicking in more fully. I'm hoping that means that my breasts will grow back soon (they're but shells of the breasts they used to be after nursing and being an overweight teen) and my hair will stop falling out.

I'm glad I'll be in my second trimester when we're off to Israel. I got our plane tickets to get there today, and am in the throes of finding us an apartment that'll be big enough for our growing family but not too expensive. I spent quite a bit of time on the phone with Israelis today, and they are an interesting people. Fortunately, I am totally cut out for the kind of negotiation required - both in dealing with landlords in general and in dealing with Israeli landlords! It's going to be quite a year...

Pregnant

WHERE I AM: 6 weeks pregnant.

HOW I FEEL: Tired, but in a different, kind of floaty way. Fully functional and productive, but heavier. Pants are starting to feel a bit tight around the waist. Still eating a lot.

Sharing the news with a few more friends, who are asking me point blank if I might be pregnant, so what am I supposed to say? Dave wants to wait until we're with his parents in person to tell them - a week from Friday we'll be with them in Mexico, and that will be fun to share. There's a lot of hard stuff going on in their lives right now, so it'll be nice to make them smile.

I'm starting to realize that life is only going to get fuller and busier and more complex from now on - not just with the addition of another little being inside my body and in our lives forever, but with our moving our growing family to Israel and then to Ohio. Lots of change, that is the theme.

I'm hungry... going to go make some lamb and kale. Body is craving iron and protein, no doubt.

Ode to the hot water bottle

WHERE I AM: 5.5 weeks pregnant (3.5 weeks of actual pregnancy).

HOW I FEEL: Sleepy today, probably because my body woke up at 5am and nothing I tried could still my active mind and get me back to sleep. Some days I am just awake and there's nothing I can do. I got on the computer at 6am and started taking care of some of the things that have been occupying my brain in the whee hours of the morning or when I wake up in the middle of the night.

A few nights ago, as I went to fill it with very hot water, my trusty hot water bottle sprung a leak. Before throwing it away, I felt compelled to take a picture of it, for posterity. I don't remember when I got that hot water bottle, but it was a very long time ago, at least ten years, possibly more. (Before it, I had a light blue one, which I got sometime in high school.) I associate it with my overall wellbeing for two reasons: (1) It keeps me warm at night when my feet and hands are always cold, our house is insufficiently heated (bad insulation, unsealed windows), and being cold will keep me awake; and (2) I cannot imagine what my first labor with Dahlia would've been like without it.

That red hot water bottle was my saving grace during the 32 hours of back labor I persevered through at home before I decided to go to Kaiser for an epidural. Dahlia got wedged into my pelvis in a weird way (called a deep transverse arrest), and I felt it all in my back. A midwife once told me that back labor is 10 times more painful than regular labor - I hadn't known that at the time, I just thought I was experiencing regular labor that happened to be in my back. It HURT! A LOT! I don't think there was a minute where I didn't have that hot water bottle pressed up against my lower back - except, of course, when Dave or my sister Sharon went to refill it with scalding hot water. (Hot water bottles all say to fill them with tap water under 120 degrees... I'm not sure what temperature I fill it at, but I can't seem to get it hot enough!) There was about a half hour somewhere during labor where I got into the bathtub with Dave, sat on the bouncing ball with my head against his belly, and held the shower handle up against my lower back. I kept asking Dave to turn the water up to make it hotter, until it couldn't get any hotter. That felt so good, that boiling heat against my pain. The next day, I could feel and see burn marks on my lower back from the shower. That was the only time I put the hot water bottle aside during labor.

I'm sad to see it go, but I have a picture of it and thankful memories. And thanks to my sweet husband, a new hot pink water bottle to take me forward through this cold winter and help me through my second labor at the end of October. I anticipate I will have a hot water bottle close at hand for the rest of my life.