Hoping

(Written in my journal while on vacation in the Sinai.)

I'm on a quiet peaceful beach in Nuweiba in the Sinai in Egypt.
It's remote and the opposite of packed here.
Delightfully still and silent.

My period was due a few days ago but didn't come, and it really doesn't feel like it's coming.

I think I'm pregnant. It's a little hard to believe, and I am hesitant to attach myself to the possibility. I'm just a little sleepy, very occasionally queasy, and during that week recently when I was itchy (like I was during my last trimester with Dahlia), the pregnancy test I took 9 days after ovulation came out very negative. I guess only time will tell, and another test when we get home next week.

I really hope I am pregnant. I am so ready for that little one to join us, and so are Dave and Dahlia.

May it be.

Itchy!

I don't know if it means I'm pregnant, but for the last week or so I have been itchy in that same way I was itchy my last trimester with Dahlia. There is a website called www.itchymoms.com that talks about the cause of this in pregnancy, something about bile salts not making their way out of the liver efficiently, something that can happen in the first or third trimesters. It's incredibly annoying. I've been infusing dandelion root and leaf with nettle and drinking that every day, to get things unclogged. It's helping a little, I think it's about doing it every day until it passes. Or maybe it's about waiting it out until the hormones settle down. If I am indeed pregnant - and I could be, besides the itchiness I've had some interesting looking discharge lately (Dave hates that word) - I'll ask an OB to give me a test for the bile salts, because it's not good for them to get too high and there is medication they can give for it. When it's worse, you itch in your palms and soles of your feet, which never happened with Dahlia and I haven't had that now. The itching is mostly in my arms, kind of prickly feeling, and scratching makes it worse. And it's past 2 in the morning and I'm completely insomniac tonight, because of the itching and probably becaue I took a 2 hour nap on Yom Kippur today - naps always throw off my nighttime sleep. I hate lying awake at night, and it's worse with the itchy arms.

I do hope it means I'm pregnant, though. My period is due around Wednesday, 4 days from now, right when we're off on our vacation to Petra and Sinai. I'll get a pregnancy test to bring with me, or maybe take one before we go. In the meantime, I have no idea what to do to get myself to sleep tonight... My body feels wide awake and prickly.

The other night I had a dream that a friend and I were sharing the labor of a birth. She is trying to get pregnant too. About a week ago when I was lying next to sleeping Dahlia as she took a nap, I got an image of a chubby little boy spirit sitting there watching us. He was very sweet and very peaceful.

Okay, I'm going to have a few bites of yogurt and try to sleep again.

Time

I don't think anyone still reads this blog, but I'm glad to have it as a place to write on a different level.
It's time.
I'm ovulating this week, and I feel blessed that the day coincides with Rosh Hashana.
Feels fortuitous.
There is a force saying, "Go for it, make a baby."

I am changed this time.
Taking nothing for granted.
Praying that we'll have an easy time getting pregnant.
Hoping it happens easily and goes smoothly.
All the way to another healthy, happy child.
A sister for Dahlia... she told me God told her "a long time ago" that she'd have a sister.

My body feels good.
Colitis free for a month, with no meds.
That feels good.
Feels back to normal.
Maybe last time it was too much for my body to work on healing and on nurturing a new life.
Now my body can focus on nurturing a pregnancy with no distractions.

There are so many pregnant women here in Jerusalem.
So many children.
Dahlia isn't supposed to be solo, it's time.
There is another spirit that is mean to join us, I've always known that.
In my time travels she's always been a girl.
I think the spirit of the baby I lost was a boy.

My prayer here goes out to the infinite force that is everything:
May my body and David's body create the spark to conceive the physical body for this bright spirit.
May my body do all it needs to house and grow and nourish that body all the way.
May my body birth that being into this world and nurture her as long as she needs.
May it happen now, smoothly, in health.
May it be.