Deflated and Aching

Two days ago I tweaked my lower back trying to rotate our mattress with Dave.
I collapsed on the bed in pain and just started weeping,
Dave's warm healing touch on my sacrum.

Last night I went to bed with a migraine
That lingered still this morning when I awoke,
For no good reason, at 5:20 AM.

I can't quite reinflate after learning about Jet's passing yesterday,
And I am still weeping,
Completely at a loss and with more questions than answers.

How can you regain any shred of hope, of trust, of faith in life
After losing all three of your children,
One at a time?

How do you go on without feeling completely beat down,
Overlooked,
Smacked in the face repeatedly by life?

Life feels completely overwhelming right now
And I am ready to resign from the role of grownup
And return to more carefree days.

Unfortunately no more "grown-up" grownup is showing up to fill my shoes,
To coddle me and take care of me and relieve me of all worry and responsibility...
So I'm in this role whether I like it or not.

Baby don't worry about a thing... Every little thing is gonna be alright.

Is it?
Is it really?
It's not alright for Jet's parents today.
I don't know when it will be.
I am completely at a loss,
Finding myself wanting to take all their pain away,
Knowing that I can't.

This morning I had a text message and photo on my phone
Announcing the birth of a healthy baby girl yesterday,
The first child of an old friend I met during college and have seen a few times since.
The contrast was striking.
I was speechless.
A healthy baby girl
Born on the same day another baby died.
How do you integrate all of that,
Consolidate these two pieces of news together?
Or is that not the point?

How do you trust each person's journey,
Trust that it is exactly as it is supposed to be?

See what I mean about more questions than answers?

Last night I lit Tikva's candle, read Mirne's blog, and then just looked at the photos of Tikva on my own blog.
My child...

I asked Tikva to hold me tight, to send her love and comfort my way, to welcome Jet to the realm of baby spirits.
And I thought about my Baby Girl, and it all just came back up for me in such a huge way
After learning about Jet yesterday.

It came back up just how unfair it is to lose a child.
It came back up just how hard it is to rekindle hope after having it trampled on.
It came back up just how small Tikva was when she died.
It came back up that my child was born incredibly sick,
That I buried her over a year ago.
It came back up that my second child - my child - is gone,
That she always will be.

The way in which this community has come together for Mirne and Craig,
The way in which we are sorting through this together...
It sustains me, keeps me from falling completely apart permanently.
And it puts me in a place where I find myself at least weekly since losing Tikva,
Where I realize just how vast this community of babylost parents is...
Just how frequently it grows,
Just how often and how many babies die each day.
It's the two sides of one coin thing - appreciating that I am not alone here
While resenting the universe because I am not.

I am going to be home a lot the next three days
As Gypsy Rose is at the mechanic's finally getting repaired.
Somehow I need to keep myself from being at the computer constantly.
Perhaps I'll take a few naps,
Send out more resumes for job openings,
Make a collage.

I am impatient for the colitis to clear up from my body,
Aware that stress and overwhelm don't really help.
I am ready to be off the medication
Which I am sure is contributing to the headaches I've had lately.

I am ready for my body to feel better,
For my heart to hurt a little less,
For my spirit to feel more buoyant,
For life to settle down and feel less overwhelming.

As Dave would say, May it be!

When I think about the places in my body where I feel pain lately,
I connect with my first, second and sixth chakras.
First, my sacrum... where I ground myself with the earth.
Second, my abdomen... my emotional center.
Sixth, my third eye... my deepest intuitive self.
I'm not exactly sure what it all means,
Except that these are places into which I can breath deeply,
Where the healing is going on at the deepest level.

Trust my journey...even when it feels mysterious and unruly.