New Lungs

Ann, my friend's friend who has cystic fibrosis and has been awaiting a lung transplant,
Is now at USC and new lungs have arrived for her.
I think she will have transplant surgery in the next few days.
My heart skipped a beat when I heard my friend's message that lungs were available to her,
Then tears flowed down my cheeks
For the hope of years and years ahead for Ann and her sweet family.
Then a very powerful feeling came over me:
That I needed to tell Dave and those who care about me that I want to put myself down as an organ donor.
It's something I've thought of in the past, but I haven't gone through the formality of signing up with the DMV
And writing it on my advanced medical directive.
For a while I attached to the idea in Judaism that you return to the earth in the same "complete" way you came in.
But that doesn't resonate with me anymore for several reasons...

I don't believe that my body will carry my spirit after I die,
So what does it matter how much of my body ends up in the earth
Where it will feed the worms and nourish the soil?

I don't believe that I am any less complete if some part of me isn't buried with the rest of my body.
My Baby Girl was born with only half a diaphragm, small lungs and underdeveloped airways.
Does that mean she came into this world any less complete than me?

If Tikva had grown older, it's possible that she might have needed something like new lungs one day.
If she had been born with another condition, who knows what she might have needed.
Who knows... But it really hit home how important lungs or another organ could be to someone as sick as Tikva.
Ann awaits her new lungs supported by a ventilator, the same kind Tikva needed.
Would I not want to help someone who struggles like my child did,
Someone who could be saved by my unneeded organs?

My prayers tonight are these:

That Ann's surgery happens in time,
That it goes smoothly and is successful,
That her body welcomes its new lungs without complications,
That her new lungs allow her to breathe on her own
And grow old enough to know her great grandchildren.

That I, too, get to live a long healthy life
So that I can also know my great grandchildren.
Only if that's not meant to be, I will know that someone might live for what I have to spare,
What I would be able to share.

It even occurred to me tonight that we could have donated some of Tikva's strong organs.
Strange thought, I know, and I'm not sure they would take organs from such a sick child.
Obviously the thought didn't occur to us then,
And I don't think I could have handled the thought of her body going through more, even after her death.
But I can't help but think quite often that so much of Tikva's body worked so well,
And how strange it is sometimes to think that if only her lungs and airways had been stronger,
If only her diaphragm had fully formed around 8-10 weeks gestation...
Well, I just thought tonight that her heart and her brain and her kidneys and liver and spleen and pancreas
Were all strong and healthy, if just a little tired from how hard she worked to live.
And her eyes... so beautiful, clearly so capable of taking in all that surrounded her.
You can even donate your eyes to someone who can't see.
Amazing... I used to think I wanted to keep my eyes no matter what,
But now, really, what does it matter?
I see so well and my eyes are big and soulful,
They could allow someone to see.

Strange thoughts...
Hard ones not to think of now
With all I know...