It's hard having a living child and missing the one who's gone... Dahlia doesn't distract me from Tikva, and I don't want her to. In fact, she reminds me of Tikva in so many ways, even though Tikva was younger. And she talks about Tikva and her own loss and grief, and needs our help to hold her through it and help her understand. She asked me just the other day, not for the first time, "Why did Tikva die?" With a look on her face that showed she was trying hard to figure it out, to really understand the incomprehensible. I can't imagine how confusing it must be for a five year old...
Dave and I handle stress and pain differently. I can't speak to how he experiences it, but I experience it differently each day. Yesterday I exploded, melted down, and yelled. Not about Tikva, but about other things. Unaddressed sadness, perhaps. We take turns having our little erruptions, and sometimes they are bigger than others, and sometimes we can hold each other through them, and other times we just need to take and give each other space.
I guess the thing that stands out a lot for me right now is just how much we are a surviving family of three, not a couple who lost their baby with another living daughter. Dave, Dahlia and I are going through this together - just like it is the three of us who knew Tikva and have to learn what it means to be a family without her here.
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2 comments:
The look on her face must have broke your heart, Gal. I truly can't imagine how hard it must be. I don't think there is any easy way. All options are awful. No child, no matter the birth order, should die.
Lots of love to you.
I feel that way too looking at my daughter. She reminds me of her younger sister. And at two, as she hits all these amazing milestones, she also reminds me of the milestones Lucia won't be hitting. You really hit it on the head, Gal. It is the three of us grieving, each in our own way. Much love. xo
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