Last night Dave, my ever-the-optimist partner on this journey, reminded me about what is good about a bad day:That each day ends eventually, and you can start over the next day.
I'm glad it's this morning, and no longer last night...
When I cracked with PMS and the prednisone in my system,
Which I'm taking to get my colitis to calm down again,
And the colitis is stressful in and of itself,
And just overwhelm from big decisions about whether it's even worth it to fix the busted head gasket in Gypsy Rose or whether we should just sell her now, cut our losses, and get a new car,
Whether we can even afford new car payments while I don't yet have a job,
Which makes me feel like after 15 years in the nonprofit sector I've boxed myself into a professional corner where I have no choice but to do work that I no longer love doing...
Etc. etc. etc...
And then Dahlia threw a tantrum when I was trying really hard to stay calm while trying to help her
And she threw her swimming goggles in my direction and unintentionally hit me really hard in the eye
And I came completely undone
And screamed and cursed at the top of my lungs,
Started crying and left the bathroom,
Where Dave had rushed in to take over with Dahlia
Who needed to get calm as much as I did.
I spent a good bit of time beating myself up for being a shitty mommy,
A terrible example for my daughter of how to manage her emotions and not throw tantrums.
Dave reminded me to be kinder with myself,
That I can let my daughter see my humanity,
That we all turned out fine even though our parents yelled and lost their cool plenty of times.
The inside of my lips is chewed raw
And I really want to just bite off all my nails,
But I'm not, because I hate how they look when they're bitten off.
Dave calmed Dahlia down and got her out of the bath.
Dahlia came downstairs and hugged me and said she was sorry.
I cried and hugged her and said I was sorry.
Dave made dinner.
Dave cleaned up after dinner.
Dave got online and researched our particular car problem, our particular car, and put together a bunch of information for me to take to our mechanic today.
We looked at new cars online and talked about what it would cost us each month if we finally, for the first time in our married lives, got a brand new car.
Dave suggested that I wait until I feel more empowered about my job search before applying for more jobs.
I did feel empowered, over the weekend when I submitted my resume and several versions of a great cover letter to 6 jobs at Cincinnati Children's Hospital and the University of Cincinnati.
Jobs where I could use my experience but in environments that are different than those I've worked in before.
Then for some reason yesterday I got totally deflated about it,
Frustrated that I've spent about half of my 15 years in this industry wanting to get out of it.
Frustrated that the kind of work I know how to do is work that puts me at a desk in front of a computer most of the day.
Wishing pre-nursing and nursing school wasn't going to take so damn long to get through.
Wishing I could just write creatively and help people and make art for a living.
Wishing I had a trust fund...
Did I mention the prednisone is giving me zits?
It rained last night and it's grey today.
It feels right, not gloomy actually,
But cleansing.
Only one thing on the agenda today: Go talk to the mechanic.
Otherwise, it's going to be a mellow day,
And Dahlia will be thrilled to find out that she can watch as many videos as she wants,
Since kindergarten starts tomorrow so this is her last day of summer vacation.
Maybe I'll hang up the towel hook in the bathroom.
Maybe we'll make more collages in the sunroom.
I just need a mellow day...
One with no screaming.
I am not in charge.
Clearly.
Trying to control anything just doesn't seem to be working right now
So I surrender.
I am not in charge.
Is that what this is all about,
What I'm supposed to be learning right now?
That I am not in charge and don't have to be?
That I can't and don't need to control it all,
To always be in control?
Hm.
It's been a HUGE month plus of dealing, dealing, dealing
With everything that crossed out path.
Wrapping up, packing up, departing...
Crossing the country in a temperature-challenged automobile...
Arriving, settling in, unpacking, enrolling our daughter in school, buying furniture, finding grocery stores...
No wonder I'm exhausted.
Just writing it all down makes me sleepy, and it's not even 9 AM.
13 comments:
Oh, Gal. Sending so much love and hugs. xo
Justed wanted you to know I'm out here reading and sending you warm loving thoughts. I don't think you're crazy or a shitty mother. Your child will learn more from you about how to be a good person from seeing the ups and downs of your life and hearing the apologies from you, than she ever could if you were somehow perfect.
Big hugs, Gal. I'm emotionally raw right now too, and this post brought tears to my eyes. And yes, it's no wonder you're exhausted. Please do try to be gentle with yourself (I have a hard time doing this, too). I hope you have a good, mellow day today.
I agree with Dave, although I often feel the same way as you do. We are super women, but not SuperWoman if you know what I mean.
I think its good that we can both apologise to our kids when we've snapped. I don't remember my parents ever doing that. Like Dave says, it shows them your humanity.
He's right. Be kind to yourself. You've been through a lot. You'll find you pace.
xxxooo
Oh, Gal. This month has been such a full one that I don't see how you could not be exhausted. Even wonderful mothers (like you) can have human moments.
It has been an absolutely HUGE month.
Like everyone has said already, you are a good mommy. A mommy who doesn't bottle things up or pretend that emotions don't exist. A mommy who has the good grace to apologise to her child when she has made a mistake, who treats her child with the same respect that she would accord an adult. So many people don't.
I'm also one of those people whose only marketable skill puts them in front of a computer all day. Sometimes the only good thing I can think of about it is at least I don't work down the mines. Where are those trust funds when you need them eh? xx
Lots of love to you today Gal. I'm thinking of you and sending a big warm hug. I'm hoping today was better than yesterday and tomorrow is even brighter.
You have had so many changes lately Gal ...
I hope today was peaceful for you and that more mellow days are in your future.
(((hugs)))
That is a lot all at once. Hope things are mellower and that you find a job (and hopefully one that feels meaningful to you).
Gal, wishing you a peaceful week.
I hope today you spent it lying around with your precious petal watching those videos.
I have lost it in front of my girls many times and they always hug and love me afterwards. I know it feels so awful after you have just lost your cool but Dave is right we are human and its okay for our kids to see that.
Sending you all my love and peace,
Carly x
oh honey,
it's been a lot, it's only natural to come undone, and pms and colitis ontop of it all.
wishing you some quiet time to make art and take care of yourself.
xox
((((hugs))) Sending gentle thoughts your way.
My own experience with prednisone left me highly emotional and would easily lose my cool. Cut yourself some slack. Active colitis=stress, and prednisone on top of that puts you on an emotional roller coaster. You are a great Mama and Dahlia knows that. As Dave pointed out, it's good for her to see that you are human too.
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