Mixed Blessings

Today I went back to the homeopath because I am still in a lot of pain.
My blisters have scabbed over and started to come off, which happened very fast considering the norm.
I'm thankful for that.
But the raw skin burns, and the nerve and muscle pain is strong.
Chava gave me a stronger dose of the Thuja remedy, and a balm to mix with olive oil and put on my ouchy skin.
She had the balm for herself, and gave me some of it along with some organic olive oil she went to her house to get while I waited.
Sweet soul, so motherly.
She must sense how much I need that.

A friend said recently that it must be hard, at a time like this, to not have a "parents' house" to go home to and be taken care of right now.
It's true, I haven't had that for a long time.
I have a friend who needed knee surgery last year, and she decided to have it done in another state so she could be cared for by her parents while she healed.
I could use that right now.
My sweet Dad has said many times how much he'd like to be here to take care of me, of all of us, right now.

It took me half an hour to get a cab to get to Chava's this afternoon, and by the time I arrived I had tears in my eyes.
Weary tears, sick of being in pain tears, sad tears.
While she went to get the balm, I realized that some of the tears are about having shingles while pregnant.
About not being able to completely savor my pregnancy because my body and spirit are so preoccupied by this pain.
I feel a little deprived of being able to enjoy the beginning of my second trimester, of missing a part of my pregnancy.
But I also know that this IS a part of my pregnancy, and will be for all the years I am alive to remember it.
I pray they are abundant and healthy years.

Still, though, I am ready for this pain to go away, and for the blessing and joy of being pregnant to completely wrap me up in its deliciousness.
My body is working so hard right now - to nourish my baby and to heal itself.
Thankfully I've had my appetite back for the last 4-5 days.
I spend time with my eyes closed on the couch, connecting with my baby, hand on my belly.
Lately I've been feeling a boy in there.
I don't know why, but I imagine a boy who is able to hold without trauma the energy of my having struggled with pain during my pregnancy.
Not that a girl couldn't handle that, but for some reason I imagine the little one is a boy.

I told Dave today that for me, this year is about getting through it intact, growing but on an internal level.
I am not here to live Israeli life; I am not here to learn all I can about Israeli culture and history, or see everything there is to see.
My work here is different, and this is how it has unfolded.
I didn't come here with that intention, and after the first few months I got over my initial resistance to being open to anything this place had to offer.
But what it has offered me is different than what I expected, and I am doing my best to roll with it and to grow from it.
It is a year of challenges and mixed blessings.
I will leave here with a very special baby in my arms, and a very amazing Dahlia and David by my side, ready for the next adventure.