Growing Inside: Far Away

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Far Away

It's so strange...
Just over three weeks ago, Tikva was alive.
Now she is no longer.
She's not here anymore.

Time moves forward, and I feel like Tikva is further away.
Even while I feel her all around and within me.
I look at pictures of her in all her moments and Tikva in her body feels far away.
Then her smell in her belongings brings her right back.
Yet still far away.

It's been a hard few days for me.
Lots of tears.
Lots of tears.
Lots of tears.
I miss her terribly.
I see babies in carriers in their mothers' arms and I think that I could've had my Tikva in my arms if things had been different.
Sometimes when I see babies who are about 10 months old, I think that I could've had a baby that age in my arms if I hadn't miscarried.

Right now I grieve not only the loss of Tikva, but the loss of both babies I don't get to carry anymore.
And I try to keep the fear at bay, the fear that comes so easily with the sadness.
I try to just BE - HERE - NOW.
Even if here and now hurts.
It's as if the pain is a way to stay connected to Tikva.
And if I stop feeling pain, stop crying, then she will really feel far away.
And it will all feel like a dream I can't be sure really happened.

I miss you, my sweet Baby Girl.
Maybe now you can hold me a little.

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Love, Thoughts and Prayers (Updated 12/04/09)

If you scroll down to the very bottom of this page, you'll find a list of people in need of loving thoughts and prayers of hope. I will note the date of the latest update here. Please visit this section regularly and share your love and hope.

The most recently updated or added requests will go at the top, but all of them are important, so please scroll down to see them all.

In the words of my sweet husband, "We are all made of the same stuff as sunshine," and we are all one, in this together. Thank you for extending your hearts in infinite ways.

You'll notice that some people I had listed before are no longer here. This is because I have added the links to their blogs under "Words About Loving, Losing and Healing" so you can check in with them directly. Or it's because they no longer need our prayers.

Special People Needing Special Prayers: Thank you for holding them in your hearts.

"Faith is not knowledge of what the Mystery of the Universe is, but the conviction that there is a mystery and that it is greater than us." (Rabbi David Wolfe-Blank)
12/4/09: Please hold Dana-Lee in your prayers and help shower her with love. She is courageously battling Hodgkin's Lymphoma and is now doing radiation after 12 rounds of chemotherapy. She is a mighty being filled with love.
12/4/09: June is responding really well to treatment for non-smoker's lung cancer. Her tumors have reduced in size a great deal, but she is not out of the woods. Thank you for holding her close.
12/4/09: Little Carly continues to grow and heal from her brain surgery, but is experiencing seizures on a daily basis. Please keep sending her love and good vibes.
12/4/09: Please send your love and prayers to this little one who continues to need them right now: http://maddiegorman.wordpress.com/
12/4/09: Stacy Raye is doing much better, but is still undergoing treatment for non-smoker's lung cancer. Please keep holding 48 year old Stacy in your thoughts. http://www.lotsahelpinghands.com/c/611315/
2/11: Please hold Rabbi Michael Lerner in your hearts tomorrow (2/12) as he has surgery related to his recent diagnosis of lung cancer (he is a non-smoker). Lerner is a leader in the Jewish Renewal movement here in San Francisco and worldwide.
1/27 Update: The doctors recently found cancer in Toney's liver and reproductive organs. They are going to do nothing for 3 months and then have another CT scan to see if there is any growth. There is a good chance it can be very slow growing, which is what we are praying for at this point. The type of cancer he has is untreatable. It is very rare and his family does not have all the answers yet. Because of where the cancer is they cannot do radiation because of the damage it would cause to his internal organs. So for now, he and his family live life each day with hope for the future. Thanks for all of the prayers. Please keep them coming. Toney and Kat are amazing people to say the least.
1/27: Please pray for little Arlie Mae, who was born just a few months ago. Arlie will be having open heart surgery on Wednesday, the 28th to repair the two holes in her heart. On 1/24 she was admitted to UCSF to keep her hydrated and fed, since she has not been eating enough. Please visualize her well, healed, and eating normally after a successful surgery. Arlie Mae's family is confident that the surgery will go perfectly, as the surgeon there is amazing...she is in the BEST hands. Send as many prayers, light, love, and healing energy as you have for her, she and her family - Sarah and Kevin - need it! Thank you.
1/26: A precious eight year old girl named Sophia is in need of our love and prayers. She was born with a hard to diagnose condition that is somewhat similar to cerebral palsy. In the past year, her health has been especially challenged and now she is in the hospital again. She continues to have more frequent spells where she can't breathe as well as seizures that go with it. They are trying to figure out if the trachial malatia (Tikva also had malatia) is causing the seizures or vice versa. She may be in for a couple of weeks while they do things to her. They are trying to decide also whether or not to give her a permanent tracheostomy so that she can breathe. She already has a stomach tube and is eight years old and weighs about 25 pounds. In spite of it all, she is an angel. She is cheerful and has the most impish smile. Please pray for Sophia's continued strength and good spirit, for her mom Celia, her dad, and Sophia's twin sister and older brother. Thank you.
Jeanette is courageously facing pancreatic cancer and bi-weekly chemotherapy treatments. Please add her and her family to your prayers. She is a very special and loving woman who has spent her life sharing her love and care with others.
PEOPLE WE'VE PRAYED FOR IN THE PAST: Korrine Croghan (returned to God's arms); Mary Kay (benign ovarian tumor); Richard Katz (successful bypass surgery); Baby Harper (at home and doing well with her family); Char (now held by angels); Christabel (whose cancer went into remission); Desmond (who is home with his family and is breathing on his own); sweet Ann (who left our us peacefully on May 9, 2009); Cocoa the dog who is back home with her family.