I'm With Tikva

(How beautiful are these two?)

Tikva had a good day.
All her numbers were good and stable, which is what we want for the days preceding surgery.
It was incredibly peaceful in the ICN and the entire hospital because of the weekend, which was delightful and calming.
A perfect way to spend Shabbat.
We spent a chunk of time reading The Little Prince, then got a visit from Karina, who is always a breath of fresh and full air in any place.
I gave Tikva a spa treatment - massaging her arms and legs and hands and feet with lotion, squeezing her, and stimulating her limbs with some motion since she spends the day being so still.
They try to stretch the length of time between doses of the paralytic drug she is on to keep her from taking in air and fighting the oscillating respirator she is on.
So in between doses, she gave us a little movement - her fingers grasping, her toes wiggling, her little tongue moving, her left eye peeking out, and even her belly lifting.
Can she get any cuter?
And in spite of the movement, which could potentially strain her, all her vital stats looked good.

Her nurse today was Robin, and she is truly amazing.
A CDH expert because she used to work with the Fetal Treatment Center team, and was deeply involved in starting the CDH clinic 9 years ago, which supports the kids as they leave the ICN and get older.
It's something Tikva will get a great deal from in the future.
I learned so much from her on so many levels, just from our conversations today.
And in spite of her knowledge and wisdom from so many years in pediatric nursing and at UCSF, she is one of the most unassuming and humble people I have ever met.
She's working on her PhD now, and was off to the library to do research during her one-hour break in a 12-hour shift.
The women who are the nurses in the ICN and who take care of our babies day and night are angels walking among us.
I can see the halos over their heads - these are some of the most inspiring role models around, both as nurses and as human beings.
They keep us so informed, explain things so clearly, and they care for our babies with pure love and devotion.

I feel so deeply connected to my girl, no less so than I did when she was inside me.
There are probably 6-8 other babies in the ICN, in all stages of development.
Some of the parents are able to hold their babies, and when I walk by one of them, I overflow with joy.
I swear there are no pangs of envy running through me, it really just makes me feel joy.
This is why: I'm with Tikva.
I'm not with any other baby.
I'm not them, and I'm not anywhere but HERE AND NOW.
Sure, I look forward to being able to hold my girl and nurse her.
But until we are there, I do hold her, always, spirit to spirit, in my heart and hers.
When I'm sitting near her and pumping my milk, I know it is for her.
I sit and read to her and talk to her and sing to her.
I hold her hand and massage her soft little perfect body.
I look at her cutest little face and smile.
And when it's time to head home at the end of the day, I remind her of something I know she already knows: That I am always in her heart and she is always in mine, that we're connected completely and no matter what.
I know she hears me, and I know she trusts that.

I can tell you this which I know for sure: Tikva Ahava is a MIGHTY BEING.
She is doing some POWERFUL work in this lifetime, work she began before she was even born.
She is deeply connected to God/Source/Energy and immensely held by it as well.
Dave keeps saying that the kids being born in this time are important beings, and he's right.
There is important work to do in the world, and they are already doing it.
Tikva has chosen a mighty calling, and she's up for the task.
I think I'm going to have a t-shirt made that reads: I'm With Tikva.
Who wouldn't want to be on the side of Hope and Love?