The Love of a Parent

Here is something that has been coming up a lot lately in conversation:
How far Tikva has come, and how I never once doubted that her life was hers and God's to decide on, not mine.

When we were in our final weeks living in Israel, preparing to come home just after Tikva's ultrasound, several of our Israeli cousins asked us if it wasn't better to just terminate the pregnancy and "start over."
Others asked the same question indirectly, through other family members and friends.

I understood that their concern came entirely from a place of love and concern for us.
And at the same time, I just couldn't connect to the possibility of terminating my pregnancy.
Not just because I was already at 23 weeks.
Not just because Tikva had already been kicking noticeably inside me for 5 weeks.
Not just because I had lost my previous pregnancy to a miscarriage at 10 weeks.

But because it just wasn't up to me to decide whether my baby should live.
And because I believed in her already then, and I wanted to do everything possible to give her the chance to show her mighty amazingness.
Because I knew - even if I didn't know I knew - that Tikva had a BIG purpose, and her CDH was part of that purpose.

I knew that she had chosen us as her parents for a reason, and I knew that we could take on our part of the journey.
I knew that we had to give her the best chance possible.
So off we went back to San Francisco, a complete detour from our long planned for plan, and here we are almost 6 months later.

I also recognized that there are no guarantees when you choose to have a child.
We are incredibly blessed that Dahlia is such a healthy child, and that she was born smoothly with no challenges.
This is something I will never again take for granted.
I also know that I can only hope that her whole life will be full of such health and wellness, and that we all will stay healthy and live a long life by her side.
I know how easily something can change in a moment - a child who shows up as healthy and well in an ultrasound can have a difficult birth and an unexpectedly challenging life.
It really is true that every day could be your last... I've never found that depressing, but rather an inspiration to live that day well.
For these reasons too, I just couldn't comprehend or entertain the notion of terminating my pregnancy.
It's just not up to me what journey my children are on in this lifetime.
What I can do is to trust and embrace their journeys and my own, and do my part to support them.

Just this morning I was talking with Dave's mom about all this, and about the incredible power of hope, faith and love that has brought us to this moment.
About how you can't measure that power, and yet that's the power we have trusted since those very first days in January in Jerusalem, when it was so cold it snowed outside and we felt so scared and alone in our apartment so far away from our community.
So far away from what we had expected things to look like when we chose to get pregnant.
In those middle of the night hours when both Dave and I would wake up suddenly, at the same time, and just hold each other and take turns crying, unsure of all that was ahead.
Yet something deep inside reminded us to trust...
Maybe it was Tikva communicating with us, already our wise teacher.

Today at the hospital Tikva was so awake, alert and wiggly.
She was moving and squirming and looking around and giving us little cries here and there.
She didn't look uncomfortable, but she did feel like she was communicating, and she certainly had things to say.
I would too if I had spent the first of my four weeks of life paralyzed, and the other three unable to cry out.
She is on less and less morphine every day, and should be off it completely in a few days, and now she is MOVING!
I didn't worry when her movements set off a beep on one of her monitors.
I didn't worry when she cried.
I just know that she is doing exactly what she needs to do - being a normal baby, expressing herself and using her body more and more now that she can.
And boy does it feel good to watch her and cheer for her and connect with her as she looks straight into my eyes, so totally focused, and we talk and sing together.

When I got home tonight and put Dahlia into her bath, I found the most amazing email in my inbox, with a story and a link to a video that made me cry with a huge smile on my face from beginning to end.
It made me cry because it resonated my theme of today: The love of a parent, and our trust in our children's journeys and our own purpose, no matter how complex their unfolding.
This story explains exactly why I could never have terminated my pregnancy, and why I am with Tikva, all the way, no matter what, for the rest of my life.

I've written before that I am a complete mush-ball and I just totally love anything inspirational that comes my way.
For me, this stuff has the opposite effect of reading the newspaper or watching the news, neither of which I do.
The news makes me depressed; this stuff gives me hope in people and fills me with energy.
With that as my unapologetic disclaimer, I have to share this.
First, read the story below.
Then, watch the video in the first link.
Then, for more about this incredible story, check out the website in the second link.
Get some Kleenex and enjoy.

"A son asked his father, 'Dad, will you take part in a marathon with me?' The father who, despite having a heart condition, says 'Yes'. They went on to complete the marathon together. Father and son went on to join other marathons, the father always saying 'Yes' to his son's request of going through the race together. One day, the son asked his father, 'Dad, let's join the Ironman together.' To which, his father said 'Yes' too. For those who don't know, Ironman is the toughest triathlon ever. The race encompasses three endurance events of a 2.4 mile (3.86 kilometer) ocean swim, followed by a 112 mile (180.2 kilometer) bike ride, and ending with a 26.2 mile (42.195 kilometer) marathon along the coast of the Big Island. Father and son went on to complete the race together."

http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=8cf08faca5dd9ea45513

http://www.teamhoyt.com/