Roller Coaster Loop

Have you ever ridden a roller coaster that loops a few times and brings you upside down?
That's how time feels right now - moving in loops, rather than on a straight line.
We're still moving in one direction, but in order to do so, we have to loop back around so that it feels like we are going backwards.
Right now it feels like we are suspended on the upside down part of a loop, waiting to roll downward to coast forward again.

The past three days have been probably the hardest of my life, and I don't know if there are more even harder days ahead.
Tikva has been reintubated and is back on the ventilator.
The doctors are trying to figure out what is going on.
The oxygen in Tikva's blood desaturates on a dime, not just from agitation but sometimes also out of nowhere in the middle of a deep sleep.
It's really hard to bring her back to stability and good numbers and requires a lot of hand ventilating and extra support, and a lot of doctors and nurses and respiratory therapists running into her room really fast to help her.

Two days ago that experience terrified me; I thought I was going to lose my girl.
I held onto my husband for dear life.
Today I noticed myself getting used to it sort of, even though it makes me want to cry without stopping and fills me with fear each time.
Tonight for the first time, when Dave and I left at 10:30 at night, I was afraid to leave.
For fear of...

We have done a lot to advocate for the needs of our girl the past few days.
Since the experience of her being with a less experienced nurse two days ago who was not prepared for her sudden and extreme desaturations.
That's when I stepped in and saw the color of her skin and noticed that she was gasping for air really slowly - such terror in my heart - and told the nurse to call someone and turn on the extra oxygen so I could hold the mask in front of her face.
That's when I stepped in as her MOM and did what Tikva needed and that brought the doctors - within seconds - in a huge hoard to her isolation room.
It made me so scared to think what if I hadn't been there... but I was there, I was meant to be there.
Tikva bounced back; she bounces back, but it takes a lot of help; and she desats more now, and more intensely, bounces back more slowly.

DEEP BREATH.
Each time I remember to take a deep breath, I do it for my Baby Girl.
What an incredible privilege it is to be able to breathe so deeply.

Tonight I reminded Tikva what I remind her almost every day: That I am always in her heart and she is always in mine.
No matter what.
I also told her this tonight: That I am not giving up, that I am in it for the long haul.
No matter what.