Eternal & Infinite

Yesterday was one of those days when I was able to connect to Tikva as an eternal, infinite being,
A simple force of energy, a part of all that is around me and far beyond.
Where I didn't cry off and on all day, and I didn't snap impatiently at Dahlia.
A day when I felt relatively peaceful about everything,
More connected to all that is than I have been recently.

I'm not sure what happens on those days that makes them those kinds of days.
I can't say it's because I got more sleep the night before (which I hadn't)
Or that I ate less sugar that day (which I definitely didn't)
Or that I was on the better end of my cycle (which I wasn't).

One thing I did do the day before yesterday that may have had something to do with it:
I reread an email from Julie reminding me about Tikva's essential nature,
In which she suggested I might want to ask Tikva if she has something to share with me,
Expecting no answer necessarily, but being aware of any shift that might happen afterwards.

So without speaking, without words, I asked Tikva, "Tell me something..."
And I blew an eyelash off the tip of my finger.

There's nothing like a planetarium to give you a little perspective on eternity.
I sat in the planetarium at the new SF Academy of Sciences yesterday,
With Ellen and her 10 year old son Graham
And the ever inquisitive Dahlia at my side,
Incredibly bright and fascinating questions about outer space coming from her a mile a minute in loud whispers,
All of us craning our necks to watch the curved screen above us
Tell stories about the vast universe that surrounds us
Infinitely, beyond what we can see,
Much less completely understand.

As scientific as it all was, I couldn't help but wonder at the magic of it all.
(Outer space is like that, one of those things almost anyone finds intriguing,
Because it is so beyond our grasp.)
Really... How can you not believe in something bigger than us,
Something vast and eternal and infinite and HUGE
When you look up at the sky and realize that
It goes on forever... FOREVER?!

In our seats in that theater, we traveled outside our atmosphere,
Beyond our solar system, beyond even the Milky Way.
We traveled to other suns and other planets and other moons.
We traveled billions of light years away... BILLIONS!
And we didn't get to the end.

There is no end.

And the thought popped suddenly into my mind:
There's Tikva!
Lucky little spirit gets to travel that far and beyond.
She's not just all around me in my immediate tiny little world,
But she is way out there in all the universe,
A part of it all. A part of it ALL!

In that moment she answered my question,
Just as she had said HELLO! when a butterfly had flown by Dahlia and me
As we walked toward the museum earlier that day.
She reminded me yesterday that I, too, am that connected to all that is,
That I too am eternal and infinite,
That I can hold her hand and join her as she flies way out there in outer space.

All I have to do is close my eyes and imagine us as rays of shooting light,
Moving so fast and so far, side by side,
Like stars... Like STARS!

Love is infinite,
Love is boundless,
Love is forever overflowing,
Love is eternal.

There was a moment sometime yesterday when I looked to my left while driving
And there (of course) was UCSF.
This time I saw it from the side, and I could see the part of the hospital where I had labored,
Preparing to birth Tikva from the warmth and safety of my belly
Into the big world of unknowns and our destinies.
Looking at that vast entity that held most the daily realities of my journey with Tikva,
Thinking, "Wow, she never left there until her spirit had left her body,"
I saw that it was just a container holding a magnificent gift.

Within it, the hugest part of my journey so far unfolded.
There and beyond, Tikva gave me the gift of opening.
Something huge (and still a bit unclear) opened within me through carrying, birthing, caring for and loving Tikva.
I suspected before she was born that I would be changed by her.
When she was born, that suspicion grew as I experienced my blooming new self with her.
When she died, I knew without a doubt that I was changed forever,
That I would never want to return to who I had been before Tikva.
(And I liked who I was before, mind you...
But wow! What incredible ever-unfolding purpose lies ahead?)

I'm still not sure what it all means, how any of it will unfold,
But I feel different, and it is because of Tikva.
My compassionate heart has been stroked gently by the way Tikva
Embodied,
Inspired,
Absorbed
Pure love from everyone around her.
My gently stroked heart has been warmed,
Has been broken,
Has been cracked open,
Has been awakened
To be reformed anew.
My compassionate heart's ability to feel and share pure unconditional love
Has been awakened from any haze of slumber it may have felt before.

I am intensely struck by how isolated we all can be
When we experience pain or any challenge life throws our way,
And how unnecessary that is.
Why do we have to go through anything alone?
Why do we choose to go through anything alone?
Why are we so afraid of hearing about, of holding, of sharing
Our own and each other's pain and suffering?

Dave invited me on a date tonight to see this film about the epidemic of child slavery worldwide.
Initially, I recoiled thinking, "Oh dear, that's going to be disturbing. Do I really need that right now?"
("Maybe I should hide in my house far away from anything that might be upsetting.")
Then I thought of Tikva, of her gift, her reminder of pure love.
You know, the pure love that is exploding inside me,
Inside all of us,
So vast and so infinite that it can touch the whole world,
Can nurture and hold the deepest darkest pain?

Anything that has to do with children is what touches me most deeply at my core.
So I am taking my compassionate heart to the movie theater tonight,
And when I cry I will hold my husband's hand and feel inspired to make change
With my infinite loving heart.

Tikva's song is All You Need Is Love by the Beatles.
It is the first song she ever heard, and one of only a few she got to hear outside my belly.
It was playing in the room where they did her cardiac catheterization when she was 3-4 weeks old.
You should've seen her cute funny face,
Eyes so WIDE OPEN,
When she traveled for the first time from the ICN to this new space,
And heard music for the first time... WOW!

It made me smile, reminded me that my Baby Girl and all of us loving her were held by God.
It will always remind me of Tikva, always.
It probably will always bring a tear to my eye and a smile to my lips to hear it.

It's her song because it's what I learned from my Tikva,
That love really is all you need.
That love can hold you and make you strong.
That love is eternal and continues and grows bigger and more vast after a person dies.
That love is my essential energy - that at my core it is all that I am and will always be.
That all the emotions and identities I hold at different times to define me dissolve eventually
And what is left is just PURE LOVE.
Like Tikva... PURE LOVE.
Floating far and wide like a shooting star way beyond the part of outer space we can see or even imagine.

The remainder of Tikva's Tsfat candle burns peacefully before me today...
For Tikva and Lev and Esme and Teddy and Liam and Maddy and Emma and Zoe and Lennox and Ferdinand
And the thousands and thousands of babies
Who left us too soon
And whose love awakens us to new universes.
Fly joyfully together, little spirits...