I have such a vivid image in my mind of what Tikva would look like as a toddler.
This week I have been noticing toddlers,
Little ones who are one or two bobbing around on their learning-to-be-stable legs.
Still tiny and squat, faces still young, heads still round,
Big smiles of complete unsuspicious trust.
I'm at another layer of the onion of grief right now,
Understanding that I am grieving not only the loss of my Baby Girl,
But also the loss of my toddler
(And my big girl, my teenager, my young woman, my grown-up daughter).
It's like I have times when I miss the older Tikva,
The toddler she will never get to be.
How can you miss something that never was?
And yet I do.
And boy would she have been cute.
You're so pretty, Baby Girl...
So pretty.
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The images we are left with are so incomplete aren't they? I know cognitively we should hold tight to what we know, smile and remember, but that isn't enough. We want to know more, see more, create a vision of who she would have been, like, and grown to be.
Bless you as you look around. My heart aches with you.
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