Hummingbird

I saw a tiny little hummingbird today
Outside the back window of the dentist's office
As I was patiently having 18 x-rays taken of my teeth
(18 is a special number in Judaism, and this was a very precise dentist).

The hummingbird sat on a wire, got up to fly a little, then sat back down,
Hanging out with me the entire time the x-rays were being taken.
Tiny and sweet, so pretty
Like Tikva.

There she is again...

She is staying so close to me, to us, these days.
Making sure we're okay as we go through our grief,
Letting the wound heal,
The one that never completely goes away.

I feel her there so much.
See her in the sweetest things around...
Hummingbirds
Butterflies
Hawks
Doves
Dragonflies
Flowers
Spiders
Little bugs
Rays of light through the trees
Milkweed seeds floating by...

I decided today was a good day to take Dahlia to ice cream after school.
Just because ice cream always makes us smile,
And life is precious and made even better with things that taste good
And the smile on my daughter's face when I tell her we're having ice cream.

We sat in the ice cream store on the corner of Irving and Funston
And I realized that from the window I had a perfect view of UCSF.
(What a surprise!)
I couldn't see the ICN windows, but I could see the side windows I looked at many times from the back hallway behind the ICN.
I thought about the courtyard just below where we took Tikva to breathe fresh air.
I thought about the gorgeous view from the corner room where I labored,
The red tail hawk that flew by,
The operating room where I pushed her out,
The intensive care nursery where I spent my days with Tikva for her entire life.

I thought about sweet Elaine, Tikva's night nurse, who left a gift on our doorstep just this morning,
How precious it is that she and our friends there are still thinking about us, still holding us.
(Thank you...)
I thought about Tikva's giggly - that's what it was like, giggly - laugh in my dream last night,
How she looked a few months older in the dream,
How pretty she would have looked dancing in a light colored dress,
Dark hair, golden skin.

I thought about all we have been through on this journey since last Rosh Hashanah.
How I guessed I was pregnant when we were in Sinai during the Sukkot holiday.
How I worried a little because I felt some cramping on my right side,
And it was hard to get excited until I knew from a 7-week ultrasound that Tikva's embryo was where it should be in my uterus.
(Intuition? A hint of the feeling of all that would unfold? How could I know? Between 7 weeks and 21 weeks, I didn't worry at all.)
How I took a pregnancy test on October 5th right when we got home from our holiday,
Right before Dave's 37th birthday.
3 and 7... the most auspicious numbers.
My 37th birthday gift that Tikva's surgery went so smoothly,
How the red tail hawk flew by again, twice,
And I got to see Tikva's eyes open for the first time when she first came off the paralytic.

Trust the journey of Tikva's soul...
That is what Julie wrote to me when we were still in Israel,
Preparing to return to the Bay Area for Tikva's care.
Trust the journey of my own soul...
I do trust, even if I don't quite understand where the journey is taking me.
Even if I am not always comfortable on this windy road that sometimes makes me queasy and tired.

It's been a hard year, the hardest.
Considering what I have been through in my life, that is saying a lot.
The hardest.
And yet...
I haven't read the book, but I understand the title, "The Year of Magical Thinking"
Referring to a book about a woman losing her husband and daughter very close together.

This year has been magical - literally.
I have been guided by love and intuition in a way I never have been open to before,
Not in quite this way.
I have received the most pure and incredible love from community far and wide.

And I have been visited by the most incredible soul I have ever encountered.
I don't know if I will ever know a soul quite like Tikva.
A soul with such purpose, such might, such sweetness, such beauty, such gentleness,
Such PURITY,
Unencumbered.

That is what I saw in the hummingbird today,
Pure sweet beauty, gentle mighty purpose, unencumbered.
Just there, serene, graceful, generous, loving.
Waiting with me softly.